God...

Almost 14yrs ago, I gave my life to Christ. For a very long time I was on fire the Lord. I read the bible all the time, attended church every Sunday, prayed about everything, talked about God constantly, had all the bumper stickers & T-shirts, witnessed to anyone who would listen, and was hungry for more of God in my life.
I am no longer that person. I am questioning God and His Word. I am doubting my faith. I can't remember the last time I read the bible, I don't go to church anymore, I'm not sure if I believe in prayer, and I deffinitely don't witness to anyone.
How did I get to this place? To be honest, I'm not exactly sure. Disappointment seems to be the common thread in all my wonderings.
I feel trapped.
I sense a hardness growing in my heart.
I have noticed a bit of indifferece within myself.
I recognize flashes of anger lingering beneath the surface.
I feel lost.
So many thoughts and feelings...I keep them to myself because they seem, if spoken, would surely damn me to hell.

Memorable Moments

* Climbing up the wall shelves to play in the rafters of my garage...

* Learning to skate backwards on my grandma's driveway, in my brand new red wheeled roller skates, on Christmas eve...

* Playing Hide-n-Seek in the dark for hours around my neighborhood...

* Touching a dolphin at Sea World...

* Running up the driveway, after getting off the school bus, not to miss Luke & Laura getting married on General Hospital...

* Feeling so proud when I scored my first 9.00 on vault in a gymnastics meet...

* The awe of walking into Yankee's Stadium for the first time...

* Never tiring of playing dodge ball on the patio at my grandma's house...

* The pride I felt the first time I washed my own hair...

* Asking a Sunday School teacher who God's father was and feeling sad for him that he didn't have one...

Laughter...

My Grandma is out of the hospital and back at her apartment at the independent living community. Things are not going well. She is extremely weak and fell hurting her foot this week. She is now using a wheelchair to move around when she feels like getting out of bed. She has gotten to the point that she cannot care for herself and needs around the clock care. We have put her on the waiting list for assisted living. We don't know how long it will take to get her in and so now the juggling of who can stay with her begins. There is the option of having nurses come and help with her care, but it is very costly. So mom, my uncle and I are going to try and figure out how to take care of her and keep her safe until other arrangements can be made.
I stayed with her this past Saturday night and found it very surreal to take care of someone who used to take care of me. She has all but given up on living and its heartbreaking to see such sadness in her eyes. She is slipping into depression and doesn't want to do anything. What do you do when someone you love so deeply, almost in tears says, "Please don't make me get up. I can't get out of bed." How much do you push? I mean, its my Grandma. There are so many mixed feelings inside of my heart. What is best for her? Should I make her get dressed and insist she not give up on life? She is 91yrs old...She tells me she is so tired. The fight is gone out of her eyes.
It feels like a hopeless situation until she laughs...she has laughed at me making mistakes while taking care of her.(and I've made MANY stupid mistakes.)I think as long as there is laughter there is hope.

Wondering

I'm in a strange place and time in my life...wondering where I fit in. Being single, childless and over 35 yrs old puts you in a confusing category in life. You don't really fit into any "category". You don't fit in with your married friends. You're a third wheel. You don't fit in with unmarried parents because your life doesn't revolve around children and their activities. Hanging out with these people can cause you heartache because it is a constant reminder of what you don't have and that you're alone. Time with family comes first so most of the time you don't really get to hang out with them much anyway. So again I wonder where I fit in. You don't fit in with people younger than you because you are not interested in going to the club and you're too old to go there anyway. You don't fit in the "singles" group at church because its a group of non-married couples. And again you're reminded you're alone. (I have NO idea why its called a singles group because it NEVER is...)So here I am searching for a place to feel I belong.

Grandma

My 91yr old Grandmother is back in the hospital. She has a failing heart and now they have found a blood clot in her lung. They are thinking of putting her on blood thinner medicine to help the clot dissolve but are concerned because in the past the blood thinners have caused internal bleeding. Its a catch 22 situation...do they risk giving her blood thinners or risk the blood clot blocking her ability to breathe? Hard call to make. Her health is really beginning to decline. Her body is very tired and slowly giving up the fight. Its a hard thing to watch happen to someone you love.
I realize that death is part of the cycle of life and is out of our control but I cannot image my life without my Grandma. I'm a bit selfish and want her around for a while longer. I know I have to accept that one day she will die and my life will change in her absence. I dread the pain of her loss already and don't let myself think of it very often. I prefer to think on wonderful memories of her and all the happiness she has brought into my life.