Unseen Gifts

When I was 10 years old I saw the movie "Annie" and LOVED it. I would play my record of the movie soundtrack, open my closet doors to create a stage and sing my heart out. I wanted to BE Annie! Not the little orphan Annie, but the singing and dancing Annie. I don't remember wanting to grow up and become something specific or special, but I do remember desiring so much to BE Annie.

Well, I didn't become Annie. I became a teacher. When I look back, I didn't BECOME a teacher. I was BORN a teacher. Its something that has always come natural to me. On my gymnastics team I would get into trouble for helping my teammates learn new skills instead of practicing myself. It felt more satisfying to see them succeed with my help. As I got older I walked the path into coaching gymnastics, then pre-school and now back to teaching non-competitive gymnastics. I have a gift of teaching.

So, I think God puts natural raw gifts in us and, if we chose, to we can allow Him to help us develop those gifts. I believe our gifts are ultimately placed in us to bring Him glory and honor. I'm beginning to search myself and try and discover my gifts. I'm looking closely at my natural abilities wondering what else God would like me to do with my life. You think it would be easy, but sometimes we bury those gifts quite deeply as we get caught up in life. Many times others see gifts in us we don't realize are there until they are pointed out to us. I welcome anyone to open my eyes to my unseen gifts!

The gift of a smile :)

Lately, my smile has been brought to my attention. People have been commenting in it. My smile seems to be many people's favorite thing about me....
I've been told I look very serious, intimidating and even sad when I don't smile. When someone sees me without a smile their perception is that I am a snob, a mean person and even a b*tch. And when my smile appears, their perception immediately changes. Funny, huh? Looking at pictures of me smiling and not smiling, I see there is a stark contrast between the two. It is, to me, quite drastic! I find it to be amazing that my internal world is very black/white, good/bad without much gray and my outside reflects that so vividly too. Interesting...

The Pit

A pit is a horrible place to find yourself. A pit is a dark place. Your feet are caught in knee deep, thick mud. You're stuck and cannot get out alone. You feel hopeless, even defeated. You have no vision of the future. You see, there are no windows in a pit. Whether you were thrown in, slipped in or jumped in this pit, you're there now. Alone, hurting, confused, and maybe even angry.
I have found myself in many pits in my life. Some of my own doing and others not. I'm sharing this because I have very recently been pulled out of the darkest pit I've ever experienced. Honestly, I didn't think it possible to ever be free. I was wrong, so wrong.
Maybe your wondering how I got out? I didn't get out. I was pulled out. Lifted out by God's unfailing love.
Let me describe this pit.
This was a pit of blindness, lies, deception and overwhelming condemnation. A place full of constant beratings of shame. Fear coated every inch of this confining pit.
A prison of voices whispering.
"You're nothing and never will be anything."
"You always hurt people. You deserve to be alone."
"It will NEVER happen for you."
"Don't bother to try anymore. You're a complete failure."
"Just GIVE UP. The world would be a better place without you."
I'm going to be real with you and share the true depths of this pit's darkness for me. I began to doubt God.
The voices sreamed about God.
"God isn't dependable or trustworthy. He has let you down so many times."
"Prayer doesn't do anything. God doesn't hear you. Why bother?"
"The Bible is just a book."
"Going to church really isn't that important."

I was dying in this pit. I knew it. Certain people around me knew it. God knew it. He wanted to help me. But, quite honestly I was terrified of life out of this pit. Sounds strange, but even bad things can become familiar and even feel safe. What happened next took me down the path to freedom. It didn't present itself this way, but God has a way of working our lives for good even when we make bad choices. I made a very bad choice and hurt someone I love very much. I was hurting too. When this emtional pain became to much to bear, I exploded driving home from work one night. I can't say I "prayed," but I didn't hold anything back. I yelled and cried releasing all of my pent up emotions.
The next morning I woke up with a peace in my heart I've never known. It has not left me. I thank God for it everyday. I've realized God's peace is a very precious thing. I believe the moment I cried out with my whole heart in true desperation God heard my unspoken soul's desire to be free. I believe at that moment He reached down and lifted me out of the pit. I believe the peace I felt the next morning was the manifestation of my freedom.
I am free, but know that I have much to learn to walk out that freedom.

My Garden

Something beautiful is happening. There is a colorful garden growing in my heart. The Son is breaking down the thick brick wall of protection. Pieces of it are falling away. The Son is streaming inside, touching every withered place, bringing new life. Sunflowers are rising high with hope. Delicate violets are accepting grace and love. Geranium's roots are digging deep to drink the living water. Butterflies are flying in obedience. Tulips are opening every morning with new mercy on their petals. Potted, draping ferns welcome the winds of transformation gently blowing. The blue sky is filled with peace...

Psalm 40
I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.

He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.

You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.
(obedience is better than sacrifice.)
Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand —

Then I said, “Look, I have come.
As is written about me in the Scriptures:
I take joy in doing your will, my God,
for your instructions are written on my heart.”

The Truth

I am loved even if I feel rejected, inferior and very unlovable.
I am redeemed even if I feel I don't deserve it.
I have peace even if I feel life is swirling around me.
I am saved even when I feel I'm not worth it.
I am blessed even when the cupboards are empty.
I have hope even when I feel I cannot go on another day.
I have a future even when I feel it will never happen for me.
I am beautiful even when I feel so tainted and stained.
I am protected even when I wake up feeling frightened.

What I feel is NOT the truth.

The Map

The Map is unfolded and thumb tacked to the wall of my heart. Paths are highlighted and color coded.
Direction is becoming clear.
It shows which way to go, where to turn around, where to stay away from and where to stop.
Boundaries are drawn out.
I'm beginning to understand how to read this Map and be lead.
This is a Map of truth spoken to my heart. A voice of peace that resonates within my soul.
Making me sensitive to when to take a hand or put mine in my pockets.
Helping me realize when I'm stepping into a dark alley full of danger to turn around and run into the sunlit meadow.
Alternative routes will open up before me that will take me the wrong way.
I must be guided by peace. Follow righteousness, love and truth.
The narrow road.
Crossroads will be difficult. I must study the Map carefully. Listen for peace.
I can no longer walk the familiar roads I've traveled in the past. They will carry me to places I don't want to revisit. Places full of pain, despair and destruction.
Surly, I will stumble and get lost many times, but this Map is like no other. It leads gently, lovingly, with kindness and grace. It will never blow away. It is reliable, never changing, and trustworthy.
With this Map, I will never walk alone.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." ~ Lao Tzu

Dancing Lessons

Many have chosen my dance card.
Some probably wish they had walked on by...

See, I am a beautiful solo dancer.
But, when given a partner, things are not so pretty.
When we dance close, I will step on your toes and stomp on your feet.
I have a hard time staying in my own space.
When we try a lift, I will drop you.
I will say, "I'm sorry", help you up,
only to drop you again.
I don't understand how to hold onto you so you're safe.
Our dance will not be smooth and flow together easily. Most likely it will be choppy and frustrating.
And, the day will come. I will take off my dancing shoes and leave.
You will be left standing alone, confused and hurt.

I now understand my dancing style needs much improvement.
I need some dancing lessons.

There is hope for me.
I know the best Dance Teacher. His credentials are love, truth and mercy.
He can teach me to be a loving, faithful and forgiving dancer like Him.
It will take hard work. It won't be easy. I will have to relearn the basics to build a firm foundation.
Thank goodness, He is very patient, encouraging and kind.
I will make many mistakes, I'm sure, but I have a small audience cheering me on...
It is possible for me to become a good dance partner. With this Dance Teacher all things are possible!
Dance lessons have begun.