We Will Never Forget

I remember the phone waking me up very early that morning. It was my mom. She said to turn on the T.V. I asked her what channel? She said it didn't matter it was on every channel. She said we were under attack. A plane had hit the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. I wasn't prepared for what I saw when I turn on the television.
I watched in disbelief as the WTC burned and I listened to the news anchors. I kept thinking it wasn't real. It had to be a horrible movie. I couldn't stop thinking of all the people on the plane that had crashed into the building and how terrified the people in the building must be. I was in shock and couldn't have imagined there was so much more horror to come.
I think I began to cry when I saw the second plane hit. Continuing to watch everything unfold, I think I was so overwhelmed I went a bit numb. I began to wonder how people were going to get out of the buildings. I felt scared, helpless and shocked by what I was witnessing.
Then the first building came down. I dropped to my knees and cried out loud to God to have mercy. I was overtaken by emotion. I felt absolute horror in my heart. I cried and began to pray for all the people in the buildings and the rescuers on the ground below them.
I will never forget that day. It is etched in my mind forever. Its a part of me like its a part of every American. All of us were touched by this tragic event. I prayed for those who lost someone on 9/11/01 this morning and they will not be far from my mind throughout the day.

Labor Day Miracle

I lay in bed on Friday night, tossing and turning, with a heart full of doubt in God. In my turmoil, I cried out to God to "show up." Those were my exact thoughts...no specific request, only a simple desperate plea.
I woke up early Saturday morning to find a post on Facebook that a dear friend of mine's son, Chet, had been hit by a car. He was alive but in ICU at the hospital. I immediately called out of work and headed across town to the hospital.
I was very upset and scared. As I drove the 30 minutes to the hospital, the realization that he could have been killed made its way into my mind. It cut my heart to the core. Its one of those things you cannot wrap your mind around. Wonderings of how he survived began swirling around in my head.
When I saw Chet so many emotions flowed through me. I felt tears filling my eyes as I looked at him on the bed. He was covered in road rashes, cuts, and dried blood. He was wearing a neck brace and had a tube coming from his chest. As shocking as this was, it was more unbelievable that he was breathing on his own and asking for something to eat.
His mom told me he was hit by a minivan going 55mph while he was crossing the street. His lung collapsed and was re inflated. He had a broken pelvis, a small hole in his bladder, shattered ribs, fractured knee cap, and a concussion. His brain scan showed no damage and he had no spinal injuries. I was dumbfounded. He should have had massive head injuries and be on a ventilator but they said he would make a full recovery and be fine.
My mind began to entertain the idea that this was a miracle. An outright, undeniable miracle of God. The prayer for God to "show up" that I had said the night before floated into my mind. I couldn't deny that God HAD shown up, reached His hand down and protected Chet from certain death or devastating injuries.

Giggle Friends

I am the assistant teacher for a special needs class called Giggle Friends. It is a class for motor skill development through play and gymnastics. We have six kids in our class right now and all are autistic. They are all under the age of five. Their autism ranges on the spectrum. This is the first time I have worked with autistic children and it affected me deeply.
The parents come into the gym with their child to help. We have much free play time on the equipment along with some structured activities. We ring bells, sing songs, play with the parachute, balls, bubbles and introduce basic gymnastics skills. We also have a "Now-Then" picture board to help the kids follow the structure of the class.
Some of the kids are non-verbal, have sensory issues, and are over stimulated easily. Melt downs are frequent. One non-verbal child yells the whole time and we don't know why. He is inconsolable. One child has to have her hand held the entire time because she continually runs herself into the glass wall. One child screams if anyone, sometimes even mom, touches her. Its a strange atmosphere. But, in the midst of the chaos, there are sudden smiles too. Swinging on the rings with Dad brings laughter, hanging on the bar causes squeals of delight and music creates freedom to dance.
I see parent's faces etched with exhaustion and incredible love for their children. I admire and applaud them. I see that they are happy to have a safe place for their kids to be accepted and free from judgement. I see comrade with other parents who understand everything and there is no need to explain. I feel that I am a part of giving these families a place to be free from the pressures they face day after day.
After class was over I had to take a break alone and cry. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I didn't feel sorry for these parents and children. I felt such admiration for the parent's courage, stamina, patience and love. I felt anger that there are not more programs and opportunities for their children. I felt compassion and empathy. I also felt fear for my friend's children and even my future child because we don't really know what causes autism. So many thoughts and emotions only tears could express. I couldn't make sense of all of them, but I did realize that I want to be a part of making a difference for these families, even if its only an hour gymnastics class once a week.
If we all gave, in our own way, what kind of impact could we make?

10 Good Things...

1. China Best now delivers to my house. Mmm, mmm, delicious!

2. I've lost weight! I can almost fit back into my favorite jeans! :)

3. I've made a new friend. They asked me to go out to eat with them sometime. Nice!

4. I can now successfully navigate through the computer system at work and know the right answers to most customer's questions. Its about time!

5. I managed to put some money in savings this month. Not much, but some is better than none!

6. Even though my Grandma's dementia is getting worse, she still remembers my name and that I'm her granddaughter...

7. I haven't had a major migraine in months.

8. I'm sleeping soundly through the night. No insomnia and no nightmares...Thanks unisom sleep melts!

9. I saw a rainbow on the way home from work the other day. It gave me hope...

10. I've noticed that I'm singing and dancing to songs on the radio in the car during my long drive to work. I haven't done this in a long time...It feels pretty good!

God...

Almost 14yrs ago, I gave my life to Christ. For a very long time I was on fire the Lord. I read the bible all the time, attended church every Sunday, prayed about everything, talked about God constantly, had all the bumper stickers & T-shirts, witnessed to anyone who would listen, and was hungry for more of God in my life.
I am no longer that person. I am questioning God and His Word. I am doubting my faith. I can't remember the last time I read the bible, I don't go to church anymore, I'm not sure if I believe in prayer, and I deffinitely don't witness to anyone.
How did I get to this place? To be honest, I'm not exactly sure. Disappointment seems to be the common thread in all my wonderings.
I feel trapped.
I sense a hardness growing in my heart.
I have noticed a bit of indifferece within myself.
I recognize flashes of anger lingering beneath the surface.
I feel lost.
So many thoughts and feelings...I keep them to myself because they seem, if spoken, would surely damn me to hell.

Memorable Moments

* Climbing up the wall shelves to play in the rafters of my garage...

* Learning to skate backwards on my grandma's driveway, in my brand new red wheeled roller skates, on Christmas eve...

* Playing Hide-n-Seek in the dark for hours around my neighborhood...

* Touching a dolphin at Sea World...

* Running up the driveway, after getting off the school bus, not to miss Luke & Laura getting married on General Hospital...

* Feeling so proud when I scored my first 9.00 on vault in a gymnastics meet...

* The awe of walking into Yankee's Stadium for the first time...

* Never tiring of playing dodge ball on the patio at my grandma's house...

* The pride I felt the first time I washed my own hair...

* Asking a Sunday School teacher who God's father was and feeling sad for him that he didn't have one...

Laughter...

My Grandma is out of the hospital and back at her apartment at the independent living community. Things are not going well. She is extremely weak and fell hurting her foot this week. She is now using a wheelchair to move around when she feels like getting out of bed. She has gotten to the point that she cannot care for herself and needs around the clock care. We have put her on the waiting list for assisted living. We don't know how long it will take to get her in and so now the juggling of who can stay with her begins. There is the option of having nurses come and help with her care, but it is very costly. So mom, my uncle and I are going to try and figure out how to take care of her and keep her safe until other arrangements can be made.
I stayed with her this past Saturday night and found it very surreal to take care of someone who used to take care of me. She has all but given up on living and its heartbreaking to see such sadness in her eyes. She is slipping into depression and doesn't want to do anything. What do you do when someone you love so deeply, almost in tears says, "Please don't make me get up. I can't get out of bed." How much do you push? I mean, its my Grandma. There are so many mixed feelings inside of my heart. What is best for her? Should I make her get dressed and insist she not give up on life? She is 91yrs old...She tells me she is so tired. The fight is gone out of her eyes.
It feels like a hopeless situation until she laughs...she has laughed at me making mistakes while taking care of her.(and I've made MANY stupid mistakes.)I think as long as there is laughter there is hope.

Wondering

I'm in a strange place and time in my life...wondering where I fit in. Being single, childless and over 35 yrs old puts you in a confusing category in life. You don't really fit into any "category". You don't fit in with your married friends. You're a third wheel. You don't fit in with unmarried parents because your life doesn't revolve around children and their activities. Hanging out with these people can cause you heartache because it is a constant reminder of what you don't have and that you're alone. Time with family comes first so most of the time you don't really get to hang out with them much anyway. So again I wonder where I fit in. You don't fit in with people younger than you because you are not interested in going to the club and you're too old to go there anyway. You don't fit in the "singles" group at church because its a group of non-married couples. And again you're reminded you're alone. (I have NO idea why its called a singles group because it NEVER is...)So here I am searching for a place to feel I belong.

Grandma

My 91yr old Grandmother is back in the hospital. She has a failing heart and now they have found a blood clot in her lung. They are thinking of putting her on blood thinner medicine to help the clot dissolve but are concerned because in the past the blood thinners have caused internal bleeding. Its a catch 22 situation...do they risk giving her blood thinners or risk the blood clot blocking her ability to breathe? Hard call to make. Her health is really beginning to decline. Her body is very tired and slowly giving up the fight. Its a hard thing to watch happen to someone you love.
I realize that death is part of the cycle of life and is out of our control but I cannot image my life without my Grandma. I'm a bit selfish and want her around for a while longer. I know I have to accept that one day she will die and my life will change in her absence. I dread the pain of her loss already and don't let myself think of it very often. I prefer to think on wonderful memories of her and all the happiness she has brought into my life.

Kitty Sitting

 

I babysat my mom's kitty, O'Riley, this week while she and Patrick went to Vegas...He seemed to have a great time! He seemed to enjoy himself finding good hiding places, stretching his legs, and relaxing. I took some snapshots of his first adventure away from home!

My Butterfly Stamp

I teach gymnastics classes to young kids and the other day one of my three year olds made a comment about my butterfly tatoo. She said, "You have a beautiful butterfly stamp." As you can imagine, getting a stamp at the end of class is a big deal to a three year old...I wonder what a parent would think if their child came out of class with a "stamp" like mine??

Lessons I've learned...

Plan for the future, but take it day by day.

Don't live by your feelings.

Success and worth are not measured by marriage and children.

Hope carries you through hard times.

Your mother is your biggest fan.

God is on my side.

Friends are precious gifts we need not take for granted.

Change can be exiting and terrifying.

Life goes on even when you want it to stop.

Following God's word can cause much heartache but it is the best path because in the end none of it will matter.

One choice, one moment can change the course of your life.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Never stop taking pictures. They are priceless.

Some one's situation is always worse than yours.

God does answer prayer.